This year, Ron Funches had the honors of introducing Andy Kindler at Just For Laughs, and Funches took a few of his own swings at the comedy industry before letting Kindler deliver his 2019 State of the Industry in Montreal. Or as Funches ribbed, “That’s like having a parakeet do a speech about the airline industry.”

Funches roasted JFL and Variety for last year’s “Southern Momma” selection as one of 10 Comics to Watch. “You guys make dumb decisions,” he joked. “Why do you do that? I don’t want to put you down. Andy will come and do that.” He also got in digs about Netflix cancelling Tuca and Bertie despite 100 percent approval, and Comedy Central giving Jordan Klepper more shows, and him going to Comedy Central after not getting his own Netflix special.

As for the main event, here are some notable quotables from Kindler’s 2019 State of the Industry. His 24th! Some of his best jokes, as always, targeted himself as much as the rest of show business.

  • “I bring my own cold open to every show I do.”
  • “I’ve done the same amount of speeches as there are James Bond movies.” “James Bond gets to kill his enemies. I get to avoid them at auditions.”
  • On the hotel rebranding from Hyatt to Double Tree. “Should we remodel it? Nah, just Double Tree it. Has Howie Mandel turned the entire festival into a prank show? Is that what’s going on?”
  • There’s a whole bit comparing the old show Puppetry of the Penis to Louis CK’s act. “I said this joke last year but I still enjoy it. For Louis CK’s whole career, he used the carrot and the stick. The carrot was, ‘oh, if I hang around Louis CK, he’ll give me a part in one of his shows,’ and the stick was his penis.”
  • “I am no longer interested in fighting with Ricky Gervais. It’s over. I now realize we are just complete opposites. I started out as a monster and became funny.”
  • On Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee: “Who doesn’t want to see billionaires just schmoozing around? Isn’t that — isn’t Seinfeld really plugged in? To what’s funny?”
  • “This speech has gotten so much harder for me since I’ve been in therapy, because I find out now, self-sabotage, it’s not good, is what I find out.”
  • “Recently I’ve been playing a lot of escape rooms. I mean, they don’t start out that way.”
  • “I hear a lot of old white male comedians, they’re complaining all the time. They complain about how easy it is to offend people these days. It was always easy to offend people! It just wasn’t easy for them to tell you about it!”
  • “I found out I suffer from Pilot Seasonal Affected Disorder.”
  • “Of course, there isn’t even a Pilot Season anymore, according to my representation.”
  • “If I was going to name a contest show, and I didn’t want to pay any money to Jay Mohr, I would name it something like Bring The Funny.”
  • Bring The Funny: Doesn’t that sound hostile to you? Seriously. I don’t even like doing comedy under normal circumstances. I don’t need the pressure of, bring the funny! Did you bring the funny? No, I brought some jokes that I’m not confident about. So in my case I’m bringing the premises. That’s what I’m doing.”
  • “How’d you like to be judged by Jeff Foxworthy? ‘You know what your problem is? You got too many jokes! You need one premise with 1,000 examples of it, and you should end that with the same joke!'” Followed by some great examples of that! (MUST LISTEN at the 26-minute mark)
  • “The only good thing about that show is how uncomfortable Kenan Thompson looks.”
  • “How about a show where we judge the judges?! Can you even handle the funny?”
  • “Roseanne Barr and Andrew Dice Clay are going on the road together because nobody wants to travel to them. And I hope when they come together they do filthy Zionist nursery rhymes, at the end of their show, for the three people who are still there.” Followed by examples of such nursery rhymes!
  • The Hollywood Reporter’s recent list of the 40 most powerful people in comedy provided a bit of fodder for Kindler, too.
  • “Kent Alterman is on the list. He’s the head of Comedy Central. I don’t think he cares what I think about him, because I’m over 30. Actually Kent and I are friends. He enjoys talking to me, he often says it’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t want something from him.”
  • “Neal Brennan is on the list, and Chappelle isn’t. I’m sure Chappelle would do a three-hour show about that.”
  • “Kevin Hart. There are flaming balls of hydrogen that aren’t trying that hard to be a big star. This guy won’t stop! When he hosts a show, he’s recording a show and doing a show.”
  • “Dave Becky threatened his way back on the list.”
  • Touring agents made the THR list! “That is a tough gig, isn’t it? Uh, would you like to have my famous ticket-selling client who has built their career with no help from me in your theater? Oh, you would! You would. I’ll take it!”
  • “Mindy Kaling’s on the list. I’m not sure what bothers me about Mindy Kaling, but I’m pretty sure it’s all of her work. That could be what it is.” Late Night, anyone?
  • “Aren’t the late-night show hosts just a YouTube incubator now, for future Vines?”
  • “Why don’t they have Carpool Karaoke in the garage with the door shut? Wouldn’t that be good?”
  • “I don’t know if you’ve seen CNN’s new show, list of movies? How do they do it? How are they getting away with cutting up the entire past, and putting them into one-hour shows?”
  • Kindler pitched a version of the new movie, Yesterday, but in his: “It was about a struggling ventriloquist, who, after a thunderstorm, he finds out there’s no Jeff Dunham. So he starts doing Jeff Dunham’s act, and he’s ostracized by his complete family as a horrible racist. They just think he’s a terrible, terrible human.”
  • “Nothing says no one will work with me more than a late-in-life start in stand-up.” “Stand-up is the last refuge of an asshole.”
  • “Jim Carrey’s new show is brilliant. Kidding!”

Here’s the full audio of Funches and Kindler: