I saw Dan St. Germain in Montreal last week at the Just For Laughs comedy festival, and can report that neither one of us was smoking or drinking. Not that we’re goody two-shoes, either one of us.

On Conan last night, St. Germain talked about the realizations he has had in the past while drinking or smoking weed. And they are sobering. He also joked about making progress in his life, such as hiring a personal trainer, and getting a woman’s phone number only to have it flip back around on him unexpectedly. That’s not quite as surprising as the time he got caught masturbating. Whatever you’re thinking, his story is probably more embarrassing than that.

Roll the clip!