1. Have a real picture of yourself as a profile pic. I need to know what you look like. It’s only fair. If your Facebook photo includes a picture of your significant other, I know that you are seriously codependent. If it is a picture of your baby, I know I’ll have very little to say to you at a dinner party. Also, offer me a few options. If all of your pictures are from the same angle, I know that you are ugly and have figured out that one angle that makes you look less ugly.
3. If I send you a text and you don’t respond and then I see you tweet something or post something on Facebook, I know that you are straight up ignoring me. Just remember that everyone on the Internet is taking note of your goings-on and judging you all the time. Isn’t that comforting?
12. Do not tag me in photos that I am not in to get me to look at them. This little game does not ingratiate you to me, it makes me hate you. All I do all day is look for photos of myself on the Internet, and when I am pic-teased, I get super-angry about it. Do not be a pic-tease.
13. If you tag me on a Facebook group page that everyone “replies all” to for weeks, I will legit murder your parents. Same goes for group e-mails, y’all.
17. Don’t bother going on first dates anymore. Skip right to the second or third date. Why? Because if I have your full name, I will Google you, Facebook you, check you out on Tumblr, read your tweets, and see what your favorite YouTube videos are. The only thing you can learn about people on a first date is how good they are at pretending like they don’t already know everything about you.