Choice quotes from Andy Kindler’s State of the Industry 2011
Andy Kindler carried his notes plus the book "How to be Funny" under his right arm -- "It's a classic!" Kindler told The Comic's Comic as he walked into the Grand Salon of the Montreal Hyatt to deliver his 2011 State of the Industry address to the Just For Laughs Comedy Conference.
After an introduction from Paul F. Tompkins, who teased Kindler and the crowd, the comedian launched into an hour-plus address that included bits from his touring act as well as several barbs specially written for his annual speech. I'll spare you the time and get straight to some highlights!
"If it was a full room, I swear they would add more chairs on the sides. It has to be a constant reminder that I can't quite fill up a room! I'm no sellout, literally."
"I actually wrote a speech this time. Normally, I do bullet points and run-on sentences."
"Many of you are wondering why I gathered you here for the 30th year in a row. Do I have anything new to say? Have any of my burned bridges been repaired?"
On Louis CK winning Comedy Person of the Year: "I'm worried this award might go to Louis CK's head, is what I'm worried about."
"I was recently named best stand-up never to win a major."
"I've been delivering this speech since 19-, 19-, 19-something, who cares?"
"I made fun of Jay Leno, so there could be a Jimmy Fallon."
"I'm going for the independent laugher."
"I heard Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French. That's not at all pretentious. I wonder if he'll be able to fake ad-lib well enough in another language?"
"Dave Rath. Dave is recovering. About a month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery."
"Marc Maron...He and I have a lovefest together. Who here saw his keynote speech? I love that man. I'm not going to slam him like I am Dave Rath."
"I will be burning all my Dennis Miler VHS cassettes," he said. "Whatever happened to that guy? You never want to hear, 'You may have heard this next comedian on the Hannity show.'"
"I went to the zoo recently and the tiger warned me to stay away from that Kevin James movie." "All over the country we are all suffering from a post-Zookeeper depression. Don't worry, sequels in the works. Paul Blart: Mallkeeper, Morning Zoo."
On Lopez Tonight, Kindler noted that before Robert Morton came onboard, Lopez was taping two-and-a-half hours each night. "What you saw, that was the best they could get?" "George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not brought up on charges!"
On deciding to see a Pixar movie: "Does the movie include Larry the Cable Guy?" "Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark."
"Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store!"
"Only in America could Larry the Cable Guy get a show on the History Channel."
"When I watch the opening of the Jimmy Fallon show, I feel like I should sue The Roots for bait-and-switch!"
"Jimmy (Fallon) offends no one. That's his hook. He attacks you with likable energy."
On Fallon's reliance on hashtag jokes from viewers via Twitter: "I think he's going to hand out construction paper and crayons at some point."
On Craig Ferguson: "Just being able to ad-lib does not equal entertainment." And on Ferguson's attitude on his show, cracking jokes about it being bad and low-rated: "Get the fuck off the air if you don't like your crappy TV show. Some of my stuff, I realize, is just rage." Then later: "He does a hand-puppet bit. Should he have done that when he was 4 years old?"
"I don't know what Tracy Morgan does onstage, but I can assure you, it's no act." On people defending him because he was onstage: "In other words, Hitler was killing when was onstage at the Berlin Funny Bone!"
In response to Comedy Central creating its own awards show, Kindler said he'd give out the Kindler Awards...
"BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles."
"The Magician Award to Mike Birbiglia. It must be a trick! I don't know what he's doing! But it's working! I don't see any wires!"
He joked about looking forward to the new version of Two and A Half Men, although Kindler said "I cannot tell Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake apart."
"Maybe Bill Maher should practice his monologue a couple of times before the shows so he doesn't find it so hilarious. I kid the asshole."
On Charlie Sheen's live tour: "I have no sympathy for people who went to his show and were disappointed."
"I have a memo to Judah Friedlander. I'm OK with you being the World Champion for a couple of years more. I think you should do one more hat. And the hat should be there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be. It can be funny, but you have to let it go."
"Dr. Drew? He's profiting from misery. Next fall he has a show coming out, Overdosing with the Stars."
"The Laugh Factory is offering free therapy -- in lieu of paying them well, (Jamie Masada's) paying them to have therapy at the Laugh Factory." Imagining the comedian patients: "I feel like I'm working in a factory!" "Am I being paranoid, or does the owner of this club seem insane?"
"I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the qualifications to make a diagnosis." "He doesn't even care" about his show anymore. "And nobody asked him. He was funny in the '80s. We have proof of this. Nobody asked him to go this way. I'm not going to say he was the last person I'd imagine hosting a talk show, even when he was guest hosting, but he was the third to last person, after Gallagher and Gallagher 2."
Kindler's possible theory about Leno's continued success: "There's a lot of people who have to go to sleep at 11:47. Letterman? No, he's too stimulating."
On TNT and Men of a Certain Age: "They should never cancel a show that's a great show. I guess it's, 'we know drama,' but actually, it's 'we could pick out drama in a lineup, probably.' 'We know drama, but we're more a slave to ratings.' It doesn't fit so well with Franklin and Bash. I'm not watching that show. I'm watching Franklin, I'm watching Bash, but I'm not watching that combo."
On an nterview with "the guru of giggles" in which he said audiences can laugh at something with no jokes: "Which Dane Cook audiences are very familiar with."
On OWN's "Master Class" show with Lorne Michaels: "How is it possible to talk for an hour and not say a single funny thing?" "Or be saracastic, or witty, or with irony."
Kindler joked about this being an actual line from the screener for Two Broke Girls: "Working harder than Steven Hawking trying to put on cufflinks."
"Penn and Teller, they have this show called Bullshit now. I think they're running out of topics."
"Entertainment Weekly said Parks and Rec was the smartest comedy on TV. Call me when it's the funniest comedy on TV."
"I got a call about following Lisa Lampanelli. Not only could I not follow her on a bill. I couldn't follow her in a conversation."
"Everything is a boot camp. They can't call something a boot camp unless it results in you going to wars. Stand-up boot camp has been a fantastic thing -- for the people who put it on."