Amy Schumer went off on a bit of a rant toward the end of her appearance this month on Brian Koppelman’s Grantland podcast, “The Moment.”

They’d finished talking about comedy strikes of the past and recent past, and Koppleman wanted to ask Schumer about the third season of her Comedy Central series, Inside Amy Schumer, which just began filming. But first, Schumer wanted to bash “the people who run Comix at Foxwoods,” give props to Gotham Comedy Club’s Chris Mazzilli for seeing the potential in her comedy, and add more than a few words for all of the other comedy club bookers out there.

“Every comedy booker out there, if you have a room. If anybody listens to this, you should treat comedians better, because we are the ones that make money for you,” Schumer said on “The Moment” podcast.

Minutes later, she elaborated.

“I love comedians. I love our world. But just – the bookers. Just pay another $100 so the comic can stay in a nicer hotel,” she said.

“I don’t feel like a scorned women by a bunch of clubs, but I just feel, in general, if you are a club owner, you know, just splurge for the $20 for a cab so that the comedian doesn’t have to get picked up in some car that doesn’t have a bottom to it, by the dishwasher that you just hired, who has like eight priors. You know? Just, like, splurge. Take care of comics just a little more. Don’t make them do morning radio when you know it’s not going to pull even one more person into the club. It’s just to promote your stupid Thursday-night show that it’s your fault you couldn’t fill. Just be nicer to the comedians. Don’t have your child in the green room. Don’t invite your friends back. Don’t make them get to the club an hour early and do a soundcheck. Don’t make them stay after to take pictures with the staff. Don’t give them a discount on their meals – just buy them their meals. Your disgusting basket of onion rings from the fryer you haven’t washed. You’re just lucky that Jon Taffer hasn’t come in there. You would get a Z on the health code. Just treat comedians better. It’s so hard. And we’re not your friends. Don’t make us feel bad if we don’t want to stay and drink with you.”

Koppleman interjected at this point: “This is awesome. It’s perfect. I want to see the waves that happen as a result of that.”

Schumer continued: “And also, just pay us at the end of the weekend. Don’t make us sit there in your cold, smoke-filled unventilated office, with your shitty carpet and your space heaters, and make us wait so you can piece together if we’re getting an extra $9.99. And give the comedians a bonus if they deserve it. Don’t make us stand in the back with a clicker to make sure.”

Schumer still plays Foxwoods. She’s just in the larger theater now. And she wanted to leave this thought and relationship on good terms: “I wish those guys the best. But they need to take a look at themselves and be nicer to comedians,” she said.

Besides, she added: “The rant I just did was for every club in the country.”

And one more thing: “And don’t make us do four shows on a Saturday.”

So. To sum up Schumer’s call to action. Would that we call this a potential Comedian’s Bill of Rights, to be delivered upon every comedy club booker across the land. This bill of rights for comedians — or, posed another way, this list of commandments for comedy bookers to follow, to heed. In Schumer’s words, this would include the following tenets:

  • “Just pay another $100 so the comic can stay in a nicer hotel.”
  • “Just splurge for the $20 for a cab so that the comedian doesn’t have to get picked up in some car that doesn’t have a bottom to it, by the dishwasher that you just hired, who has like eight priors.”
  • “Don’t make them do morning radio when you know it’s not going to pull even one more person into the club. It’s just to promote your stupid Thursday-night show that it’s your fault you couldn’t fill.”
  • “Don’t have your child in the green room.”
  • “Don’t invite your friends back” to the green room.
  • “Don’t make them get to the club an hour early and do a soundcheck.”
  • “Don’t make them stay after to take pictures with the staff. Don’t give them a discount on their meals – just buy them their meals. Your disgusting basket of onion rings from the fryer you haven’t washed. You’re just lucky that Jon Taffer hasn’t come in there. You would get a Z on the health code.”
  • “We’re not your friends. Don’t make us feel bad if we don’t want to stay and drink with you.”
  • “Just pay us at the end of the weekend. Don’t make us sit there in your cold, smoke-filled unventilated office, with your shitty carpet and your space heaters, and make us wait so you can piece together if we’re getting an extra $9.99.”
  • “Give the comedians a bonus if they deserve it. Don’t make us stand in the back with a clicker to make sure.”
  • “Don’t make us do four shows on a Saturday.”

What would be on your Comedian’s Bill of Rights every club booker should heed? What’s missing from the list of suggestions above?

Let’s see if we can make some progress on this front!