Andy Kindler’s State of the Industry at Montreal’s Just For Laughs 2014

Andy Kindler once again had a full house in the fourth-floor banquet/conference room of the Hyatt Regency Montreal at his full attention on Friday for his annual State of the Industry Address for the Just For Laughs festival.

While Kindler did go back to his tried-and-true well of hated comedy source material (hello, or rather, goodbye, Jay Leno!) and made sure to point out some of the comedy industry in or out of the room (Barry Katz came under particularly ribald fire this year), some familiar or otherwise popular targets escaped relatively unscathed in this year’s speech. Anthony Cumia, recently late of SiriusXM’s “Opie & Anthony Show,” however, did not. If Kindler did not anticipate last year’s backlash from Adam Carolla fans reacting to media reports on his speech, he certainly knew what kind of pest cages he’d be rattling in 2014 by focusing his closing minutes on Ant.

Here’s the audio so you can hear it straight from Andy. With an introduction this year by T.J. Miller.

Andy….Kindler!

Zingers from Andy Kindler’s 2014 State of the Industry Address at Montreal’s Just For Laughs

• “The doctors say I’m not going to make it. Career-wise.”
• “They did do a career panel on me. They drew some blood. They tell me that my cholesterol is good, but I’m low on buzz.”
• “I’m a comedy veteran, folks. I don’t know if you noticed. I’ve been doing comedy for over 28 years, which means, thank you, which means I’ve been doing it for 30 or 35.”
• “Recently I was named Best Comic Never To Have Won a Major.”
• “Very excited. Dom Irrera and I have started the Stand-Up Comedy Seniors Tour. Very excited about it. Last week, we opened for Freddie Couples. Hello!”
• “Is Russell Peters here? God damnit! He told me to make fun of him, and then he doesn’t show up? I worked on this anti-Russell Peters material all night. Russell Peters, you are not here? Damn you. What are you working on your, straightening out your comb? What are, trying to look for someone from the early 1980s who still works on mohawks? What are you working on? They say Russell Peters is huge in India. So is famine, unemployment and overcrowding. Not bad, right? Didn’t even want to make fun of him! Why would I make fun of someone so MARGINAL!?”
• “I may not like the New Girls in Apartment 2-3, but the kids, they’re out there, and they’re doing what they can.”
• “The Mindy Project was just named most promising sitcom of 1994. Because. Aren’t they? How do they do it? How are they breaking none of the rules? How do they consistently take zero risks? Every week! By putting on a by-the-book, right down the middle of the plate That Girl 2. Mindy Kaling comes off as likable. That is a feat! Look. I know you love her. I’m not afraid to make fun of avenues that are going to be closed forever.”
• “When I started, I didn’t have your advantages, like indoor plumbing and amplification. When I started, 38 years ago, 40, you had to walk 20 miles to get to the premise of a joke. And then another 30 miles to get to the punchline. And we didn’t even like the joke. But we were happy to have it.”
• “I’m going to miss Craig Ferguson. I didn’t even know he was on the air, and now he’s gone. I can’t even believe it…Craig Ferguson. We hardly knew ye was talented, and now you’re gone. That was just. How was that a slam? I know he’s talented. Why would I say that? Just to make the slam worse? It’s not right. He’s talented in something — not in show business — but the man, he has smoky good looks. He’s going to go out like he came in: Barely trying. He doesn’t have notes! He doesn’t work off notes! And that’s why the interviews go nowhere.”
• “What are my fond memories of Craig Ferguson? Maybe it was the one time he stuck around to watch the stand-up. That’s what I’ll always remember.”
• “They also have ComedyCoup (at the festival), and they say they’re accelerating new forms of comedy. I’ve always thought that comedy needs to be accelerated. The best ideas are always rushed.”
• “And their fantastic game shows on NPR: Wait, Wait, Wait, I Don’t Know If I Know It! Hmm Hmm Hmm, I Got The Answer! When did the idea become, behind game shows, you know what we should take out of game shows? The game part of it. It’s just points, and nobody wins anything and we all go home happy, right? That is a vague slam at the show @midnight. That’s what it is. Not too harsh a slam! I’ve been on it, would like to be on it again. So I go with the NPR slam. Everybody gets hurt.”
• “I am on Variety’s 10 Comics to Deathwatch List. I look forward in a couple of years to their 6 At 60 List.”
• “Can I get mentored on Last Comic Standing? Why was I not a judge? Why was I not a judge? They said they needed higher-profile people. Russell Peters?! Yeah, if the show was in India, maybe. Sure! If it was Last Pakistani Standing…”
• “This festival is stocked with industry people who no longer attend this event.”
• “My favorite marriage is Endeavor-William Morris, which is Bad Cop, Retired Cop.”
• “How much is Netflix without Derek? Can I get it without Derek? Do I have to? I see Ricky Gervais, you know what I don’t want to do? Watch something. You know what I mean? He is a despicable person. Ask anybody in England about it. There’s not one person in England who likes him. There’s more to it than that, but I’m glad I got the anger part out.”
• “I have a new show on Amazon out: 12 New, 14 Used.”
• “After my speech today, please stick around for the slightly anticipated Just For Laughs Awards Show, where we celebrate people who don’t get enough recognition in this business. Like Seth Rogen, ladies and gentlemen. Finally! Someone gave Seth Rogen a shot. Whether it’s hosting a roast or writing jokes for the 12 or 14 movies every week, he’s delivered more dick jokes than there dicks in show business, ladies and gentlemen.”
• “And we will be celebrating the movie Neighbors, another movie I did not see and did not enjoy. Not to be confused with the TV show Neighbors. The Neighbors…
• “Can we reduce the pool of actors who are in comedy movies? Why do we have to have such a wide — I mean, seriously. Can’t Paul Rudd play multiple roles in a movie? Why are we casting others? When is Jonah Hill going to get a shot?”
• “I did not see the movie Neighbors because of the preview for the movie Neighbors. I judge movies by the preview. Here’s what happened in the preview of that movie. it had Seth Rogen sitting on a toilet. Right there, I’m out. I’ve said this many times before. People said, Do you like bathroom humor? No. I don’t like it. I don’t like the bathroom. I’ve never been in the bathroom and said to myself, this would be a great bit. Not once. Not once! Even when I was four years old and all of my friends were doing pee-pee ca-ca jokes. I said, Gentlemen. I implore you. Is this necessary, gentlemen? What are we, three? So Seth Rogen is sitting on the terlet, as Archie Bunker used to say. Now he was a likable racist! Forget what they say about Anthony (Cumia)…”
• “Opie and Anthony fans really have a way with three or four words.”
• “I didn’t see the movie Blended. Let me guess what happens. Don’t tell me, don’t tell me, I’m going to try to guess, using my psychic powers. At the beginning of the movie, did Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler, they don’t get along, right? They don’t get along? You can’t imagine them being together down the line. It’s like oil and another substance. They don’t get along. But then, at the end, they do get along? And I also, I’m sure, they very tastefully showed Africa in the movie. That was tasteful, I’m sure. A lot of meaty roles for the Africans?”
• “They said they’re coming out with driverless cars. I thought a driverless car was what happened every Sunday at the Comedy and Magic Club when Jay Leno performs…You didn’t laugh years ago when I said I thought an unmanned drone was Jay Leno at a corporate gig? You didn’t laugh at that either?”
• “He has a car that runs on the energy generated from all the dreams he’s crushed.”
• “It was really heartwarming to see Jay walk through his garage with Tim Allen, who did a great job acting like a best friend.”
• “Years from now, historians will wonder what could possibly have been funny about Jimmy Fallon and Cameron Diaz sharing impossibly huge pants. They won’t be able to figure it out. They will think it’s some kind of ritual.”
• “I think when we all got into comedy, we all hoped that one day, Barry Katz would have a podcast. I think that’s what we all — all of us dreamed of it! We hoped for it! Finally things are turning around for Barry Katz. His podcast is called Industry Standard, although he wanted to call it Favored Nations Wink Wink. It’s an insider’s look at the business, where he explores such topics as Double Dipping, and Going With Your Heart (A Sucker’s Game), and ‘Executive Producer.'”
• “I like when people attack my credits on Twitter. Why haven’t you done — I know what I haven’t done!”
• “Patton Oswalt — he’s the only guy who would go on Twitter to tell you he’s not going to be Tweeting that much. Nobody else would do that but him. He said he’s going off of the grid, because he’s addicted to social media. But he did say — and I’m not lying — he did say I’d be coming on occasionally to promote my movie projects. Thank god. Because otherwise, how would I know when the movies are coming out? The self-deprecating egomaniac!”
• “Somebody said there’s another right-wing comedy show coming out. You can’t do a right-wing comedy show. What are they going to do? A hilarious bit about voter suppression?”
• “Here’s the thing I want to say about Louie. Louis (CK), changed the wife on his show. His wife is black now on Louie, and I’m telling you. I agree, Louis is changing the face of comedy, into tragedy. I understand that. He’s saying his show is not a comedy, he’s saying, it’s not a comedy, It doesn’t have a point. I love a show where, my dream was to watch Louis walk around Russ and Daughters for half an hour. Shoving fish into his face. That’s TV. He has an episode where Marc Maron comes on and says he got a TV show, and Louis is jealous because his career is not going well. But his career is going well. Louis, you’re the biggest star in the world! You can’t name your show Louie and have the exact same kids you have in real life and then walk around saying, how come things aren’t working out for you. Things are working out for you!”
• “Next year, Louie’s wife is going to be a throw pillow. Next year, a small bird is playing the part of Louie.”

Kindler also dedicated time recounting a Twitter spat he had with Marlon Wayans about the possibility that Wayans could play Richard Pryor in a long-planned biopic, with a throwback to Kindler’s past bad history beefing with the Wayans Brothers. He called Bill Maher and Penn Jillette “atheist assholes,” adding: “If it’s such a great belief system, shouldn’t they be cheerier about it?” He defended Woody Allen’s right to presumed innocence. “You’re not a good prosecutor if you don’t prosecute and then walk around and say I could have prosecuted,” Kindler said. And then, Kindler spent his final 10 minutes reminding everyone of exactly what Anthony Cumia wrote on his Twitter feed this month to get himself fired from SiriusXM, and previous racist things Cumia had said on his morning radio show.