What could possibly go awry with that premise? Am I right, ladies? What about the lady comedians, or as we call them, comedians?
Knowing that the end of 2013 is turning into one giant hoax on all of us, I jokingly suggested this was the latest such prank to troll us all into a hellish neverending abysss. And yet. eHarmony replied, as you can see above. No joke. “Just a fun article,” the person handling @eHarmony’s handle wrote, adding a smiley-faced emoticon. “Would you change or add any on the list?”
Would I? Most comedians would, and several already have added their replies and retorts via Facebook, Tumblr and whatnot.
Here, for example, is the list with added testimonials courtesy of Nick Youssef:
1. Comedians Want to Make People Laugh. Get ready to be entertained.
Testimonial: Comedians need constant attention. Get ready to be emotionally exhausted.
2. Comedians see the humor in the otherwise unfunny stuff of life and can look at the same situation from different perspectives.
Testimonial: He kept blaming the audience for not laughing at his holocaust-rape joke. I said it would be fine and he muttered “nobody gets me,” and left the diner. I had to pay for dinner and a cab home.
3. Your Date Will Be the Life of the Party – at the party.
Testimonial: He hated social situations. He always referred to non-comedians as “boring civilians.” Once he decided my birthday party was the perfect place to get way too drunk and test out his holocaust-rape joke.”
4. At home, however, comedians are often introverted and sensitive. Your steady support will be very welcome.
Testimonial: Even if you’re one of those fixer types your work will be cut out for you. Do yourself a favor and date a musician because they’re at least fun depressives. A comedian’s depression is a bottomless well.
5. Comedians are usually following their dreams. You might be inspired to start following your own.
Testimonial: He found my goals threatening. His dream eventually became my nightmare. I don’t remember who I am anymore.
6. Is standup comedian a lucrative job? Not always. But how many people can say they’re doing what they love? That’s very admirable.
Testimonial: We dated for three months and he quit comedy about 37 times. I’ve never seen a person experience so much pain from the simple act of bringing joy to other people’s lives.
7. Related: no one will accuse you of being a gold digger.
Testimonial: This was true, but being called a “chuckle fucker” didn’t sound much better.
8. Because of the unstable nature of their careers, comedians appreciate healthy, stable relationships to come home to.
Testimonial: THIS LIST IS A TRAP! THIS LIST IS A TRAP! THIS LIST IS A TRAP!
9. Introverts, rejoice. Date a comedian and you’ll have most weekends to yourself.
Testimonial: You’ll also have weeknights to yourself. And holidays. You’ll also be alone when you’re together because he spends all his free time in his head re-tooling that awful, awful holocaust-rape joke.
10. Comedians share their life stories with strangers every night. They’re good communicators and are willing to be vulnerable with others.
Testimonial: He was only funny onstage and constantly depressed and introverted before and afterwards. I told him he should go to therapy because he’s a terrible communicator when not holding a microphone. He responded with, “You’re wrong and do you mind if use that line onstage?”
11. You can visit your date at work- and actually have fun while doing so.
Testimonial: Literally all our dates were at a comedy club. No movies, concerts, nothing. Night after night it was all the same people doing all the same jokes. I don’t know what laughter is anymore.
12. Your date will introduce you to plenty of interesting characters.
Testimonial: An alarming amount of these comedians are severely depressed or drug addicts or both. And they would hit on me while he was onstage.
13. Your friend will think your significant other is hilarious. Related: bragging about your date’s newest comedy routine will do him/her good.
Testimonial: I got a lot of “Your boyfriend is quiet and rolls his eyes every time we make jokes. Is he some kind of snob or something?” God was he. He told me once my brain was broken for not liking the original Office. I hope he finds true love with a nice six episode per season British comedy program. And therapy. He needs therapy. Lots of therapy.
14. Not every comedian exploits his personal life in his act. Most will outline boundaries with you. (Jerry Seinfeld doesn’t diss his wife onstage and he’s done okay for himself).
Testimonial: I asked him not to make fun of me for losing my job. He protested and said “First of all, don’t get in the way of my art, and second I don’t use your name I call you an unemployed she-pile.”
15. A common love language for comedians? Words of affirmation. Build up your partner verbally and you’ll likely be the recipient of praise too.
Testimonial: That relationship was the darkest three weeks of my life. This list is the sickest joke of all. I’m going to try my luck on Match.com.
Nick Youssef told The Comic’s Comic that the girlfriends of other comedians have complimented him on his list, “which is nice and weird at the same time.” Youssef is doing more than OK for himself, too. He already has a date for New Year’s Eve with Bobby Lee at the Tempe Improv.
My dance card is currently open, though. Ladies?