I’m using hi-def recording equipment to replace all of the screams from this week’s Saturday Night Live so I can figure out what the comedians were saying to host and musical guest Justin Bieber, as well as why Whoopi Goldberg was there.

Once understood, then we can recap this and determine what happened.

Until then, just the videos!

Cold Open: The Super Bowl blackout. Not Bieber’s fault.

Be Bieber’s Valentine?

How long is too long to get to the end of “The Californians” sketch?

Of course, Bravo would do this. Of course.

“As Long As You Love Me” is more difficult to sing along to with a different arrangement, Justin.

Weekend Update

Fred Armisen and Vanessa Bayer return to the Update desk as the whispering best friends of a dictator; this time, ’twas England’s King Richard III, recently dug up underneath a parking lot?

Kenan Thompson played “Corey,” the one black guy in all of the otherwise white Super Bowl commercials.

This sketch is called “50s Romance” because calling it a cover of a cover of Grease’s “Summer Lovin'” would honor Jonathan Coulton somehow, and also because it’s nicer than saying that Justin Bieber is dumber than a bag of rocks. Bieber’s character is dumb, not Bieber. You get it? You get it.

Miley Cyrus is all growns up now, and so is her fake talk show, starring Vanessa Bayer as Miley Cyrus and J-Suds as her dad, Billy Ray.

Taran Killam plays Nasim Pedrad’s “Protective Brother” in this sketch that must have made it to air only because it’d be cute for girls to maybe laugh at Justin Bieber laughing, rather than merely screaming at his presence.

A Valentine’s Day video from Justin Bieber. And also his new BFF. Did you guess this as the sketch written by one of this week’s two guest writers? Did you?

Once again, Justin Bieber. “Nothing Like Us.”

Jay Pharoah’s recurring non-impersonation character, Principal Frye, returned to make announcements at a Valentine’s Day high school dance all about abstinence. Of course, Bieber’s character doesn’t have sex. Did you think he would?