Whether or not he knows this already, this is the complete to-do list for Katt Williams in 2013:

  • TAKE THE REST OF THE YEAR OFF

Hey, Katt.

You can say you’re retired. You can say you’re unretired. Doesn’t matter to us. Either way, just stop. Just for a moment. Just for 2013. Take a breath and take it easy this year.

You are a father of eight children. Take care of your kids.

Let someone else go to the nightclubs with Suge Knight.

Let someone else go to the department stores.

Let someone else talk to TMZ (note: nobody needs to talk to TMZ).

Let someone else perform in the comedy clubs, theaters and small arenas this year. You may owe the IRS $4 million in back taxes, but don’t let that put you in contact with people, places and things that only have landed you back in jail or also in trouble with your fans. Instead of booking a stand-up comedy tour that disappoints fans either through last-minute cancellations or, worse yet, gigs that you cannot perform any actual comedy at — don’t book it. You don’t need to put yourself out there when you’re clearly not up for it nor ready for it.

And if you really need to earn some money in 2013 to provide for your kids, find a positive way to do so. Find a way rebrand yourself as someone we can trust, someone we can laugh with and not at, someone we want to root for again.

So if you’ve read this far and think, “Take it easy? I can’t possibly take it easy! I owe the government $4 million!” Well. Then. Here’s an alternative to-do list for you in 2013:

  • DO DANCING WITH THE STARS

Good luck, Katt. I hope you have a happy, healthy and uneventful 2013. Unless you do Dancing With The Stars. In which case, I hope you win.

Sincerely,

Sean