Dominic Dierkes would not do well in prison.

Dierkes will be the first to tell you that, which he did on Thursday night’s episode of Conan. And it’s not just because he is the skinniest member of Derrick Comedy — the sketch/improv group that also includes Donald Glover and DC Pierson. In his first late-night TV appearance as a stand-up, Dierkes also revealed his foolproof method for remembering a stranger’s name, his propensity for judging people based on the slogans on their T-shirts, and how Facebook stalking isn’t really stalking at all. Is it?

Dierkes was one of the New Faces at this year’s Just For Laughs festival in Montreal.

Remember that the next time you get into your Google Car.

Roll the clip!