On last night’s episode of America’s Got Talent, musical comedian J Chris Newberg did not get one of the four spots in the semifinals. Spoiler alert? Although if they’re doing four out of 12 in each of the quarterfinals, you’d suspect that there might be a special episode later in which the judges get to advance a few of their own favorites…hmmm.

In the meantime, Newberg gave this interview on a red carpet outside of the show last night.

Following the clip, Newberg recounts his experiences in his own words…

Okay, since October, I have been on the ride that was America’s Got Talent. It was fun, and I have no regrets. I have had the opportunity for a ridiculous amount of national exposure and have gained literally thousands of new fans. I am blessed and fortunate.

That said, I need to respond to some things that have bothered me.

I don’t feel for one second that anything I did was inappropriate for children, animals, America or anyone truly with a brain that takes the opportunity to think. In my preshow segment, they had me on a tree, in a bathtub and calling Piers Morgan a “Jerkface.”

Favorite comments I have received:

“Footage of Chris in the bathtub in the pre-performance segment creeped me out,” “Really, in a park on a tree, where kids are?! creepy!,” “How could he do that on tv?!” “Startlingly inappropriate.” – Various idiot brainless basement dwelling bloggers and jerkface himself.

For starters, NOTHING ABOUT A BATH IS CREEPY, so go Fuck yourself. I am a comic, do you really think I take baths with a candle and a rubber duck? I filmed it myself. I even made sure that there were plenty of suds so America wouldn’t see my dong. Plus why don’t you go for a 2 hour run and then think, “Hmm… Should I shower or sit in this bath?” Get back to me..

As far as parks go, perhaps they are creepy if you are a sex offender, but NOT AT ALL if a camera crew says, let’s shoot in a park.

Piers morgan is an A-hole. Trust me, he knows. He has made a living at it. Good for him.

Finally, the kids on stage didn’t mask anything. They were awesome. Great to work with and really sweet kids that had the thrill of their so far young lives. Someone even told me that Sharon said she “Hated the song,” No dick face anonymous insulter from wherever land, her exact words were, “Everything about that song was so wrong, but i liked it.” Doesn’t sound like hate to me.

Inappropriate? I don’t know, you’ll have to ask their parents who were there at every rehearsal, knew what all the jokes were, or the church camp that I got them from.

Let’s talk about the jokes I chose. Yes, that I chose.

“Sometimes I think it would be fun to send animal crackers to peta. Half eaten.”

I counted 13 cruelty to animal references and comments directed towards me. First of all, PETA is bat shit crazy. I love animals, except cats, because I am allergic, but this is a joke about CRACKERS!!!!! So, when PETC calls me, I will apologize.

“I like to keep confetti in my underwear, that way when a girl gets there she knows it’s party time.”

Anyone who thinks that this is true, is a hundred percent correct. My going out ritual consists of shower, oh wait I mean candle surrounded bubble bath, shave, and then I go to my shredder and get confetti. 

“Urban legends are misleading. I covered my entire body with peanut butter and my dog was like nope.”

Okay, more animal cruelty comments. This is a self-deprecating bit towards me. I don’t even have a dog and If I did, the amount of peanut butter and effort required to cover my entire body, makes this concept as ridiculous as the premise itself. Oh wait, my imaginary dog speaking, that part was real.

The song Bad Idea is fun and catchy. Do you think I didn’t plan on morons saying, “That song was a bad idea,” Brilliant super original. P.S. Just kidding. When I toured with Dane Cook, we closed the show with it in arenas. Go to YouTube and watch thousands singing along to it. They did so night after night. Come to a live show of mine and see that it is requested frequently.

The premise of the song is silly things that are bad ideas.

“Walking through an airport, wearing a turbin, carrying a bowling ball that has a wick taped to it.”
“Opening up a disco in Alaska and calling it club baby seals.”
“Getting sick on a police officer and asking directions to the closest liquor store.”

Don’t think they are bad ideas? Try them. Then call me back.

Finally, I loved everyone I worked with on that show, the producers, the staff, the contestants, the whole thing. They are great at making fun television and made it an awesome environment to be in and despite the fact, that I am an adult themed comic on a family themed show, I went pretty far.

So, if you don’t find me funny, I am totally cool with that. If you tell me what I did wrong, and your answer was not be a circus act, an adorable little kid with remarkable singing and likability, an incredibly gifted dancer who earns money to live by street performing, or a female Justin Bieber lookalike that pretends that she doesn’t have any idea how she accidentally looks exactly like Justin Bieber, then you are an idiot that deserves to write blogs that 31 people read.

This is mine. I say what I want and to be honest, I bet 7 people read this. They will get it and love it and for them I am thankful.

To anyone else that has the opportunity to do the show, do it. It’s nothing but great things.

Alright, I have to go. I must take a bath, go to a park, and then come home and let my imaginary dog wild out on me with sandwich spread.

I am I am I am J chris Newberg

PS: my twitter is: @thechrisarmy
and if you want to find me on facebook, my personal page is full, but please add my fan page until I can get to you. 
http://www.facebook.com/TheChrisArmy?ref=ts
and if you want my cd, it’s on iTunes
http://bit.ly/q0cRwk
http://www.youtube.com/jchrisnewberg

(Reprinted by permission from J Chris Newberg)