How many of you listened to and bought Larry the Cable Guy's new CD, Tailgate Party, which came out a week ago? We'll find out soon enough when the sales figures get reported.
When I listened to it, one of the things that jumped out at me — other than the fact that "Larry" made a political statement by announcing he had switched from driving a Dodge to a Ford "because Ford didn't ask for bailout money" — was that through much of the CD, he displays a love for colorful similes. Much like another down-home guy, former CBS News anchor Dan Rather! Time to play our new game…
WHO SAID IT? LARRY THE CABLE GUY OR DAN RATHER?
A) "They're ripping their underbritches off like they've got fruit flies flying around in a cotton patch down there."
B) "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."
C) "Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek."
D) It's "kind of like having the Daytona 500 on a cul-de-sac."
E) "I'd rather be pooping in a pair of plastic shorts than do something like that."
Of course, the answers are…coming up after the break for this commercial message:
And we're back! Larry the Cable Guy also has a hankering for a very specific type of simile on Tailgate Party. For some reason, he's madder than a BLANK on a BLANK. Examples, please? Why, of course. These are some of the many tags to jokes on Larry's new CD:
"She was madder than a two-finger cripple trying to return a text message."
"He was madder than an albino hitchhiking in a snowstorm."
"I was madder than a midget with a Yo-Yo."
"China, make me madder than a hunchback in a limbo contest."
"Them reality shows make me madder than a piano player in a marching band."
"Makes me madder than a mosquito in a mannequin factory"
Super Bowl ads "make me madder than a fat guy with little arms trying to wipe his ass-crack"
And if you really couldn't figure out the quiz earlier, the Ratherisms were B and C. A, D and E were all Larry's.