Oh, Golden Globes and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, how much we missed you last year. Why? Because of all the silly awards shows, you, sirs and madams, broadcast the silliest one of all, and is it, does it have to be a factor of boozing up your nominees and presenters? Not necessarily. Roll the clips! Wait. We don't have clips? Not yet. Until then…fire up your DVRs and TiVos for these, the funniest moments from the 2009 edition 66th annual Golden Globes (all times Eastern).
8:00 We're in the opening song montage, set to the Pussycat Dolls "When I Grow Up," and they have the fine comedic sense to cut to Miley Cyrus just as the Dolls hope they grow boobies. The Globes are back!
8:01 Jennifer Lopez opens the show, hoping we remember her by wearing a flimsy little number (in gold!) to remind us of her shocking wardrobe choices many years ago that made us remember her the first time. But first. "Hello? Mama talking!" There would be many "shushes," but this was the first.
8:36 Please welcome presenter Ricky Gervais. You want to know why everyone was buzzing about the potential for Gervais to host the Oscars? Cue Gervais, holding a pint of beer in his right hand: "Hello. I'm not in charge. I'm not even nominated, which is a little bit annoying. Isn't it? It's sort of, I think, detracts from the credibility of any awards show, me not being nominated. I'm like staff. I'd rather be down there with…Well done, Winslet. I told you. Do a Holocaust movie, the awards come. Didn't I?! Trouble is with Holocaust movies, there's never any gag reel on the DVDs. (pause) (Gervais puts his hand up to the sides of his head making tiny mouths) 'Don't do it.' 'It'll be fine.' 'You've got a worse one.' 'Yeah, I'm not too sure about that one.' I'll get on with it. I can't believe I'm not nominated. I met the Hollywood Foreign Press, they were all over me. 'Oh, we love Ghost Town.' Not enough, obviously. Brilliant. What a waste of a campaign. That is the last time I have sex with 200 middle-aged journalists. It was horrible. A lot of them didn't even speak English. Europeans with wispy beards. The men were worse. Shush, come on."
8:43 Best actress in a movie, muscial/comedy: Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
8:57 Demi Moore, presenting, takes a moment to tell her daugher, Miss Golden Globes Rumer Willis, to stand up straight, "shoulders back!" File this in the funny-awkward category. Thanks, mom!
9:07 Colin Farrell, presenting best foreign language film, interrupts the announcement by sniffling, then saying: "I still have a cold. It's not the other thing it used to be." Get it? Because those Hollywood hotshots know that sniffles = cocaine snorting.
9:22 Best actor in a TV series, musical/comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
9:35:09 Best NSFW performance in a clip for the nominees of best TV series, musical/comedy: Topless woman walking on beach behind the cast of Entourage. Congratulations, naked lady! Or did I just dream that?
9:36 Best TV series, musical/comedy: 30 Rock. Tracy Morgan says he had an agreement with Tina Fey, that if Barack Obama won the presidency, he'd get to be the show's spokesperson. "Welcome to post-racial America!…Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" "A black man can't get no love at the Emmys!" "We love Lorne Mikes!" Baldwin whispers in Morgan's ear. "Jeff Zucker, my boy. Holler at me, JZ!"
9:48 Best actress in a TV series, musical/comedy: Tina Fey, 30 Rock. "As a kid I had all of the Hollywood Foreign Press action figures growing up. Thank you, Will Arnett, for that joke." On the Internet, "you can find a lot of people who don't like you." She tells a few commenters (from the LA Times Envelope blog) to "suck it!"
10:20 Best actor in a movie, musical/comedy: Colin Farrell, In Bruges. Very sincere and charming, though slightly dark. Much like the film.
10:28 Sacha Baron Cohen, presenting best movie, musical/comedy, makes a Benjamin Button joke about how Hollywood actor's faces get younger as they get older. That one works. A few others follow. But they groan at his Madonna joke.
10:30 Best movie, musical/comedy: Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Woody Allen is not present to accept. So, yay!/boo!
10:51 While accepting his award for best actor in a movie drama, Mickey Rourke gets flipped the bird by his director, Darren Aronofsky. You don't see that at other awards shows. And those are a few of the reasons why we watch the Golden Globes.
The HFPA list of Golden Globes nominees and winners is here. They'll probably shut down any footage that shows up on YouTube, and their only official stuff online so far is the backstage press conference with the winners. Which is almost never humorous. (BUT, UPDATED to reflect that NBC.com put some ceremonial clips online!) Nevertheless, here is some post-award chatter with the 30 Rock gang. Enjoy!